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Evan, I have a common problem that you’ve responded to lots of times: I fooled myself into thinking that my friend of 10 years had feelings for me, and when I mustered up the nerve to tell him, I was shot down. We talked almost every day, he told me I was hot, he told me that he fantasized about me, and we went traveling together. Now that I know my feelings are not returned, I’ve cut him out of my life so that I can move on and find someone who truly does love me.

It definitely hurts to have a long-time unrequited love and I’d be lying to you if I said that I never experienced the exact same thing.

So believe me when I tell you, everything you’re going through is very common — and, not only that, but this will NEVER ever happen to you again. First of all, you have to stop beating yourself up over the outcome of your friendship. But there are some things that you could have been ignoring the entire time you were with him that led to this crisis.

In a recent study of 227 clinicians on the Internet, 16% reported using online dating sites, 3% reported accidentally finding a client’s personal ad on such a site, and 2% reported intentionally searching for and finding personal ads belonging to a client (Kolmes & Taube, 2012).

If your clients, students, or supervisors are in a similar age group as your dating pool, it may only be a matter of time before these online encounters occur.

But for all the other men out there who got the memo in third grade that if you find someone attractive, you ask her out, the easiest thing to do is simply observe them. Which meant that if he liked you, at some point over 10 years, he would have let you know it. Did he tell you about other women and ask you for advice on them?

So, looking back on your history, was your friend somewhat confident, charismatic, and funny? If so, I could have told you from the beginning that he saw you as just a friend.

There is literature focusing upon the challenges of running into clients or trainees in the offline world but online personal ads can reveal a lot more intimate information to those who stumble onto your profile than would be typically revealed by showing up at the same event.

There is also the additional possibility that if a client doesn’t tell us they saw our profile, we may never know it was seen by them and we won’t know how it affected them.

One in ten Americans have used an online dating site or mobile dating app themselves, and many people now know someone else who uses online dating or who has found a spouse or long-term partner via online dating.

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